I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
