new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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