the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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