this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
