I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
smell my finger.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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