This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize