I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
