i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
