so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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