When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
