Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
