you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
