Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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