Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
