Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
