Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
