Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize