i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
