my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
