Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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