just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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