i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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