im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
