it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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