I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
