The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
