I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize