I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize