so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
