I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
4 words: hood of his car
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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