I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
