I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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