i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
