do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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