the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
