it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
