I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
