im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The power of my boobs compel you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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