so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
