Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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