So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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