Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
