haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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