Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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