$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
