if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
