i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
