Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
