not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
