remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
