What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
