i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
