his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
