we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
