you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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