i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
