Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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