I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
