I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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