And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
