if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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