he thought i was a dude.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
