if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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