I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
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